so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
