i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
