So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
