Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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