First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
