ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
