Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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