1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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