i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
