well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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