do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
