I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
