I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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