Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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