"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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