Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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