I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
