I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
