he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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