Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
