We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
