While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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