The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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