remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
