am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
