i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
