so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We talked him into tasing himself.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
