In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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