so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
