I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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