If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
