he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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