I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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