Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
