if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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