There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
