I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
