You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The power of my boobs compel you
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
