Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
