I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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