i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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