I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
