He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
