So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
