Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
