I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
