omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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