She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
