dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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