I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
